Dreaming With a Broken Heart

February 29, 2008

It’s 3:44 p.m. and I’m in bed. Visited the good ol’ doctor today and found out I have some kind of bacterial infection…aka. I’m sick! What else is knew? I will be ill for a few days, but hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling a little better, bc I have to shoot for Large Format class.
Things have been hard for me, these past few months. I started taking anti-depressants in late October or November or something. When Christmas break came around, I’d run out. I couldn’t get more though, bc it was the holidays and what not. Apparently, it is pretty dangerous to go off them. Anyway, I finally got some again and then ran out again a few weeks ago and things went from bad to worse. Last week, I honestly wanted to die. The way I felt was a way I had NEVER felt before. It was obvious that it was happening bc I’d stopped taking the medicine. Anyway, when I finally went to see the doctor again he perscribed me to another kind instead and said “you think it’s bad going off the medicine you had before…DEFINITELY don’t stop taking this new kind suddenly.”

I will say, though, that this new kind seems to not be so bad, although it’s probably a bit too early to really tell. Plus, I just happen to have been really sick the past few days.  I think about who I am. I wonder what people would think of me and who I was if I died. It occurs to me that we are all very presumptuous. The more I hear others talking about other people, deaths, etc… the more it scares me. It scares me, bc I want to know that someone knows who I really am. I want to know that if I am gone, someone will remember me for who I was. Just bc I might take medicine, just bc I might’ve had some issues as a teen, just bc I might say ‘I want to die’ one night on the phone bc I’m upset or whatever….does not mean that I really want to die. It doesn’t mean that I want to be remembered that way. I’m not sure how much sense any of this makes to whoever is reading this. 
Then there are the boys. The romance (or lack there of), the friends, the bestfriends, the ex’s… This has always been a struggle for me, I suppose. People are always saying I’m pretty and why don’t I have a boyfriend. It’s like, geez people, maybe I don’t like anyone!
But then, there is one boy. We have the strangest relationship. What is interesting about it is that it is one of a kind. It actually does seem to have grown and be growing. I am not particularly referencing romance. I just mean, we seem to learn from our mistakes and try to understand each other. I have never really had a relationship like that before. That being said, there are plenty of things that aren’t so great…such is life. 

Ill write more later  

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One Response to “Dreaming With a Broken Heart”

  1. jeny said

    what anti-depressant did they give you? im always interested because i’ve been on so many different kinds. i was in alpharetta today at sedona making an appointment and thought of you. im glad you blogged! you should more often. i’m sorry to hear things aren’t going so well. 😦 i hope that you feel better soon. spring is on the way! maybe it will be a time for new beginnings. ❤ xo

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