Self Portrait

April 24, 2008

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Dreaming With a Broken Heart

February 29, 2008

It’s 3:44 p.m. and I’m in bed. Visited the good ol’ doctor today and found out I have some kind of bacterial infection…aka. I’m sick! What else is knew? I will be ill for a few days, but hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling a little better, bc I have to shoot for Large Format class.
Things have been hard for me, these past few months. I started taking anti-depressants in late October or November or something. When Christmas break came around, I’d run out. I couldn’t get more though, bc it was the holidays and what not. Apparently, it is pretty dangerous to go off them. Anyway, I finally got some again and then ran out again a few weeks ago and things went from bad to worse. Last week, I honestly wanted to die. The way I felt was a way I had NEVER felt before. It was obvious that it was happening bc I’d stopped taking the medicine. Anyway, when I finally went to see the doctor again he perscribed me to another kind instead and said “you think it’s bad going off the medicine you had before…DEFINITELY don’t stop taking this new kind suddenly.”

I will say, though, that this new kind seems to not be so bad, although it’s probably a bit too early to really tell. Plus, I just happen to have been really sick the past few days.  I think about who I am. I wonder what people would think of me and who I was if I died. It occurs to me that we are all very presumptuous. The more I hear others talking about other people, deaths, etc… the more it scares me. It scares me, bc I want to know that someone knows who I really am. I want to know that if I am gone, someone will remember me for who I was. Just bc I might take medicine, just bc I might’ve had some issues as a teen, just bc I might say ‘I want to die’ one night on the phone bc I’m upset or whatever….does not mean that I really want to die. It doesn’t mean that I want to be remembered that way. I’m not sure how much sense any of this makes to whoever is reading this. 
Then there are the boys. The romance (or lack there of), the friends, the bestfriends, the ex’s… This has always been a struggle for me, I suppose. People are always saying I’m pretty and why don’t I have a boyfriend. It’s like, geez people, maybe I don’t like anyone!
But then, there is one boy. We have the strangest relationship. What is interesting about it is that it is one of a kind. It actually does seem to have grown and be growing. I am not particularly referencing romance. I just mean, we seem to learn from our mistakes and try to understand each other. I have never really had a relationship like that before. That being said, there are plenty of things that aren’t so great…such is life. 

Ill write more later  

Don’t You Evah

September 29, 2007

i SUPPOSE i should put my blogs from myspace on here too..i always forget though.

below is from sep.10th.

Those of us who carry the responsibility of knowledge and being perceptive have it tough sometimes. I know, I often feel misunderstood and saddened by the world. Sometimes wishing I were ignorant and comfortable in the beautiful (although fake) blanket of lies that most are more than happy to inhabit. Yet, like I always say, it’s worth it. Sometimes I have to make myself think it’s worth it..but I’m uhh, pretty sure it is? ha

So, as each day passes by, things really do get better. I mean, I can honestly sit here and say that. Does that mean things are just constantly improving and I’m so incredibly perceptive that I notice and appreciate it all the time? Not so much. Shitstorms still frequent my life and I still get in “I hate the world” moods. I’m still my own worst enemy. I still self-sabotage any potential romantic relationship and push people away.

But the point is, I do have these moments, of mild clarity, when I can see through the bullshit of the world and my own self..and I realize it is all better and getting better. I have grown. I am growing. I have met a lot of dickwads. I still meet a lot of dickwads. But thing’s are starting to come together, you see. Such is life..or something like that.

Coming into your own, growing up, experiencing more, learning what to look for, learning what you want..it’s kind of beautiful.

You know, in that annoying kind of way.

So the next time you wake up hung-over next to some guy/girl in an unknown place and feel like your head is going to explode and hope everything’s alright “down there” just remember….at least you don’t have Herpes. (That you know of anyway.)

Help

February 13, 2007

pray. yes, that’s what i said

wow, i’m bloggin it up lately! well for the few that read these i am writing this to ask for a favor.

the main problem in my life right now is my lack of self control. it may not seem like a big deal, but the fact that im going out and dinking, smoking cigarettes, staying out late, etc..is messing everything else up for me.

there seem to be many people who can do these things and still go to work, school or whatever. i, unfortunately, am not one of these people!! yet i still go out.

i know it seems simple, well just don’t do it, right? i am at the point where i just have no self control. i am deciding today that i am going to make a conscious effort to change this.

here’s what i really want you to hear: i need you guys to help me out. if you could pray for me that would be great. i know it seems a little corny, but i mean it. also, if you could also not ask me to hang out on weekdays and drink and all that jazz, that would be great too. your prayers, or thoughts or whatever would be much appreciated. thank you!:)

Orange County

January 14, 2007

Right now I’m watching Orange County, what a funny movie. Man, I am totally sick! I am sick all of the time, it seems, in one way or another. Sheesh. I went to the doctor the other day and he said all I had was a cold. This is far worse than a cold. I guess I have to go back tomorrow!:(

La ti da

November 8, 2006

It rained all day today. I like the rain. I don’t get people who don’t.

Young Love is coming to The Loft in December. I am EXCITED..it’s going to be great.

There is something going on recently..not sure exactly why it’s happening…why now and not before. Cool that it is happening, though. What exactly is happening? Well, we’ll just have to see now, won’t we?

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